


Hidden Scars

by DashChan



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Depression, Other, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-06 04:00:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20285041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DashChan/pseuds/DashChan
Summary: "I just wanna stop the scars that grow. Every time that I go home," baby blue eyes gazed over the ledge.It was then that Mikey knew that was only one way out of this, to be free from all this pain.What happens when the lovely ball of sunshine begins to diminish? When Mikey begins to feel darkness slowly consuming him from the words of his brothers and family. After all, he was just a mess up, and a useless being anyway. So what was the point of even staying anymore?His brothers and family would be better off without him. The orange banded turtle can't help to feel this way. Is it truly over for the orange banded turtle?





	1. Reigning Disaster

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy this new Tmnt 2012 story! More specially about Mikey. Please comment and vote! I would also appreciate feedback as well. 
> 
> Enjoy! ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ
> 
> Also the song: "Superhero" by Simon Curtis I don't own.

It was a regular day out topside for the four brothers, or as regular as it seemed to get. Mikey hummed, flipping his skateboard as music drummed into his ears from his earbuds. The turtle and his bros were out on an evening stroll, skateboarding across the rooftops.

Mikey closed his eyes, letting the lyrics take its toll over him.

_Stand up_

_Everybody look alive_

_Say “Come on, come on, come on”_

_We’re gonna get it now _

_Hands up_

_If you’re ready for the fight_

Hands subconsciously raised through the cool evening air.

_Say “Come on, come on, come on”_

_We’re gonna win now_

“MIKEY!”

_I don’t need you to believe in me-_

A loud SLAP resonated through the air, as Mikey felt pain spreading across his cheek. He gasped sharply, eyes flying open as his ear buds fell out, dangling off to the side of his belt.

“Wha-?”

“You idiot,” Raph growled, curling his fist.

“Mikey! You have to be quiet or someone will hear us out here,” Leo scolded, folding his arms across his plastron.

“Oh… right, sorry,” the orange banded turtle sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.

“I think it’s too late Leo… ” Donnie’s eyes widened.

“What?” Leo turned. The olive-green turtle pointed down below.

“We’ve been found.”

And sure enough, Tigerclaw was standing down below along with Bebop and Rocksteady. "Looks like today is my lucky day,” the tiger mutant growled, flexing out his claws.

Mikey ducked his head as Raph pulled back a fist aiming it towards the freckled turtle. “Look what you did?! I swear when we get back to the lair I’m gonna pound your shell so hard-!”

“Enough Raph,” Leo dropped his skateboard aside. He unsheathed his twin katanas. “You know what we must do ninjas.” The two brothers nodded, summoning their weapons as Mikey followed suit.

Tigerclaw pulled out his gun firing it as gave the turtles cue to move. Mikey threw his kusarigama chain, wrapping it around Rocksteady who grunted. Bebop fired several beams from his laser mohawk. Leo and Raph went after Tigerclaw while Donnie went after Bebop and Mikey with Rocksteady.

“Argh! You think you beat us turtles!” Rocksteady growled, as Mikey did a backflip, sending the Rhino over the rooftop.

“Ha! Take that you Rhino!” Baby blue eyes widened as Donnie smacked Bebop with his bo staff, he ducked as Bebop went tumbling over him over the edge. Donnie smiled beside Mikey, before turning to realize the situation that Leo and Raph were in. Tigerclaw had fired his freeze gun, penetrating Raphael against a wall. And with one swift move, dodging Leo’s kick, the tiger grasped the leader by the throat holding him up into the air.

“LEO!”

Mikey growled, flinging his chain to wrap around Tigerclaw’s arm forcing it back as he released Leo. Donnie leapt over the edge, twirling his bo staff as he smacked the tiger in the face. Leo picked up his blades, slicing the sharp ends to free Raph from being frozen against the wall.

“You don’t stand a chance,” Tigerclaw growled, clicking his gun. The four turtles stood, poised and positioned for whatever next attack would come next.

“You’re outnumbered Tigerclaw!” Leo pointed one of his katanas directly at the wild striped cat mutant.

“Am I?” A coy smirk grew upon the tiger’s lips. Rocksteady and Bebop slowly stood up, groaning. And that’s when the sky began to darken as Mikey noticed a familiar dark figure appear on the rooftop above them. Yellow eyes glowed through the creeping darkness.

“Rahzar…” Mikey gasped. The turtle flung his chain directly at the deathly wolf-mutant.

“Mikey! Wait!”

The youngest was forced back by Tigerclaw’s punch that sent the turtle spiraling into Leo knocking him back, as the leader lost his grip upon his katanas as they flew back. Raph yelped, moving aside along with Donnie to avoid getting cut by the blades. And that’s when the four of Shredder’s henchmen attacked all at once. And somehow Fishface had showed up as well.

“Mikey! What have you done?!” Raph shoved the orange banded turtle off Leo as he groaned. That’s when Mikey realized the mistake that he had just committed.

Raph was punched by Rocksteady, Donnie was punched in the face, his shell slamming against the wall. And Leo, Tigerclaw clawed his face while Mikey lifted up his gaze to notice those piercing yellow eyes staring straight at him.

“ACK!” Mikey was too late in grasping for his chucks that Rahzar’s claws grasped him by the throat.

“Don’t worry turtle freak,” Rahzar hissed. Mikey choked, feeling his windpipe being squeezed as he kicked and thrashed. “I’ll make this useless freak’s demise end swiftly.”

“MIKEY!”

In one fluid motion, Mikey felt his head being slammed against a hard surface, followed by crushing pain. The turtle could feel excruciating pain pounding in his skull, and something wet, slick and warm began to pool around his head. And that’s when he finally succumbed into the darkness that consumed his vision.

  



	2. The Awakening

It was dark and quiet....too quiet much to the likes of a certain mutant turtle. 

"Hello?" Mikey called, his voice echoing through the endless abyss. He couldn't see a single thing in the pitch darkness, not even himself. The turtle felt himself stumbling as there was this pain pounding in his skull. "AH!" 

As if on cue the darkness had shifted to that of light, that seemed to blind the youngster's eyes. He groaned, blinking hard before he found himself back in a familiar place. It was none other than the farmhouse that they took residency in when they fled New York with April and Casey. 

"Huh?" Mikey scrutinized his surroundings realizing how ice cream was spilled all over the living room, onto the couch, along with popcorn and antiques were broken and splintered onto the wooden floor. 

"Mikey what have you done!?"

"Uh, hey guys," the words were out of the orange banded turtle's mouth before he knew it. "This isn't what it looks like. I was studying barbarian fighting techniques."

"You trashed the place!" Now he could feel the heated glares his brothers were giving him. 

"I did not!"

"This is the third time you've messed the place up in a week. Clean up now!" Leo shoved a broom into Mikey's hands. 

"And as for you!" Raph picked up Ice Cream Kitty who was seated in a bowl, throwing the cat into the freezer as he slammed the fridge shut. "And stay there!"

"It better be spotless by the time we get back." Mikey stood, watching as Raph pulled the front door open.

"Some ninja," Raph growled under his breath, but Mikey heard his words all too well. "You're just a big screw up!" The others followed after the hothead as Mikey could feel tears brimming in his eyes as he felt a painful aching in his plastron. 

The scene shifted as he was now in Donnie's lab during another vivid memory that he knew too well. He was seated in the chair as Leo pointed with a serious expression."Mikey stays here." 

"Wait why?" He blurted out. 

"You've been messing up too much lately."

The turtle blinked feeling his head beginning to pound even more. He gazed around seeing images flashing before his mind, but they weren't happy ones. They were all memories that were lodged into the back of his mind, memories of his brothers telling him how he messed up, how worthless he was, or even just simply slapping him and putting him down. 

"No, no, no, no, stop!" Mikey cried, shutting his eyes tightly. Surely his bros loved him!

But all these dark memories...it was almost as if they were permanent scars in his head. 

Out of nowhere, pain exploded as Mikey let out a pained groan. It felt like someone was pounding nails into his skull as he felt his body shift upon something soft.  
Wait.... it was then that the turtle regained his senses. He slowly cracked his eyes open to reveal a bright light, with four blobs that were in front of him. By the looks of their surroundings he was in his own room. However, there was an IV in his arm that was hooked up into some monitor and heart rate device, and not to mention the bandage was wrapped around his head. 

"U-ugh...." Mikey's voice rasped, raw and coarse. 

"Mikey!" He could feel arms surrounding him and hugging him gently, despite the pain that he felt. Why the shell did everything hurt so badly... it even hurt to even glance up to look at his brothers and Master Splinter. 

That's when reality came rushing back into Mikey's memory. Oh yeah... they had a fight out topside and Rahzar slammed his head against the brick wall with a crushing pain as everything faded to a black nothingness. 

Mikey didn't know why those horrible memories he recalled into the depths of his mind had recurred, but he was glad that he was awake now. 

"Mikey...." he could tell by Donnie's serious tone that his brothers had something crucial to tell him. "You've been out for six weeks."

Six weeks!? The youngest couldn't believe it! Had he really been unconscious for that long? And from the looks of it, his bros didn't look great as well. They all had injuries and were wrapped with bandages.  
"And we need you to focus."  
"Mikey.... we're glad you're okay... but we've had a talk with Master Splinter about you and what happened," Leo continued.  
The orange masked turtle groaned, pushing himself up into an upright position. He noticed how nervous and taut Leo was, as Donnie and Raph both avoided eye contact.  
"Master Splinter and I, we believe that is best that you be taken off the team," Leo slowly spoke, studying Mikey's expression.  
In that sheer moment Mikey felt like the whole world was crashing down upon him. "W-What?..." he rasped, coughing as he winced. Did he hear that right?  
"Careful, don't jostle too much," Donnie pointed out, touching his shoulder gently.  
Leo let out a sigh. "We can't have you endangering us again, not with making such a fatal mistake that nearly cost our lives," Leo emphasized. Mikey felt like his heart was being shattered.  
He was being kicked off the team?!  
"We nearly died... all because of you, Mikey."  
Baby blue eyes blinked, trying to keep his tears at bay.  
"Until you can once again prove yourself reliable again," Leo finished.  
"I understand," Mikey nodded his head. "I won't fail you bros again, I- I'm sorry..."  
"Sorry isn't enough, Mikey," Donnie down at the cast that he wore on his arm.  
"You Knucklehead," Raph growled, forming a fist as he put it right up into Mikey's face. "Do you really think an apology will fix for nearly killing us?!"  
Mikey winced, biting his lip tightly. "Easy, Raph," Leo touched the hothead's shoulder. "The best thing for all of us right now is to relax."  
Raph let out a deep sigh, stepping back as he turned to head to his room.  
"I'll be in the lab getting some more bandages and antibiotics," the genius disappeared off into his lab.  
Leo gazed at the two before heading in the direction towards the dojo.  
"I'm glad you're alright, my son," Mikey could feel himself being hugged by Master Splinter.  
He could feel his eyes well up with tears as he hugged his sensei back.  
"Don't not fret, Michelangelo. Sometimes a ninja needs to reflect on his shortcomings before an improvement can be made."  
"Aye S-sensei..." Mikey tried his best to not make his voice crack. "I'm tired..." he closed his tightly, not wanting the mutant rat to see the upcoming tears.  
"Rest then, my son." A paw patted his shoulder. "I'll be making some tea in my room."  
When Mikey heard the footsteps disappear, signifying that he was once alone. He let out a choked sob, tears streaming down his cheeks as he clutched onto the top of his plastron. He felt this pain in his chest, it felt like his heart was aching badly.  
He didn't know how long he was laying there, but tears obscured his vision as he could feel consciousness slipping away from him. He was so tired.... that he didn't care if he fell back asleep and wished that he didn't have to wake up.... to face this harsh reality that tore him apart...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope ya'll liked this chapter! Please don't forget to support the author by leaving a kudo and comment!  
Have a good day! :D


	3. The Aching

A loud sound of banging woke the youngest turtle up from his sleep. He jerked, happening to hit his head against his small mirror. Mikey groaned, rubbing the slight pain against his head. 

“Mikey! Get up! We need breakfast and will start training soon!” It was none other than Raph of course. 

“Nnnnngh,” the turtle wiped at his eyes tiredly. He felt drained for some odd reason and didn’t want to wake up. Why did Raph have to come banging on his door? Why couldn’t he just sleep and none of them ever wake him up again? The memories of what happened the previous day hit him like knives in his back. 

“Did you hear me, ya Bonehead?”

Mikey resisted the urge to punch the wall behind him. This was the first time ever, that when Raph used that name… he was infuriated. Yes indeed, it did annoy him, but Mikey felt anger boiling inside the pit of his gut. 

Standing up as he walked over to open the door, the red-banded turtle stepped aside. “Why?” Mikey asked, “Why do I have to train, especially if I’m kicked off the team?”

“Because you’re still allowed to train.” Mikey turned to see Leo standing in the hallway, Donnie was exiting his room behind the leader. “And you can’t waste your ninja skills.”

The youngest breathed in, as he turned heading straight towards the kitchen, “right.” He tried to hide the scowl on his face as he began to immediately start on breakfast. His brothers followed him into the room, each taking a seat on a stool. 

Mikey let himself get lost into his thoughts as he was cooking eggs and bacon. He stared down at the pan, his mind wandering. 

“Mikey,” he suddenly felt a hand touching his arm, jostling him from this thoughts. “The eggs are burning.”

“What?” Baby blue eyes widened in realization. Sure enough, he had been cooking the eggs too long to the point they began to burn and catch on fire. He yelped, fanning the flame and quickly put it out. “Sorry…” he apologized to his bros worried expressions. 

What was he thinking!? He could’ve nearly burned the entire kitchen down!

“It’s going to be okay, Mikey,” Leo added, keeping his hand on Mikey’s arm. The freckled turtled gazed at his oldest brother to see him give him a reassuring nod. The turtle tried his hardest not to make his lip tremble and to cry right then. 

Right… like I feel okay… 

“This is the right thing to do, and I know it’s hard to take in,” Leo pulled him aside for a moment from his cooking. The blue banded turtle hugged him, squeezing him gently. “But you just have to take this as a chance to become better.”

“Thanks, Leo,” Mikey hugged him back, patting his shell. Leo pulled back as Mikey nodded his head, handing the now finished eggs onto a plate to Leo and to Donnie and Raph. He cooked up the bacon, serving his bros breakfast. 

Taking a seat beside him, Mikey dug into his breakfast as he felt his stomach churn uncomfortably at the feel of food. What was this? And why did he feel funny? For some odd reason he didn’t want to eat…

His bros had finished before him as Mikey stuffed the food into his mouth. He didn’t want his bros to see that he didn’t feel like eating, so he did the only thing that he could think of. Mikey kept the food in his mouth, pretending to chew and to not swallow his food. 

“You’re going to come to the dojo?” Leo asked, getting up with Donnie and Raph as they set their plates aside. 

“Yeah!” Mikey said midbite with his mouth full, much to Donnie and Raph’s disgust since he was talking with his mouth open while eating. “I’ll be there soon!”

“Okay,” Leo said. He exited the kitchen with the other two and headed towards the dojo. Mikey took the opportunity to hurry towards the trash can as he spat out all the chewed contents of food that he had kept in his mouth. 

Taking a quick gulp of water, Mikey’s hands clenched onto the corners of the counter. What was wrong with him? He never felt like not wanting to eat, but he just did, and he didn’t understand why. 

“It’s okay… I’ll be fine…” Mikey sighed deeply. “It’s no big deal, it’s only this one time,” he told himself. 

Mikey made his way to the dojo to greet his Sensei and brothers as they sat down, listening to the mutant rat’s instructions. 

“My sons, today we shall have a sparring session. Leonardo against Donatello and Raphael with Michelangelo.”

“Hai Sensei!” 

Standing up onto his feet, as Mikey got into a fighting stance he saw Raph’s smug expression. “This is going to be fun,” Raph cracked his neck to the side. Mikey clenched onto his nun-chucks, bracing himself for Raph’s incoming attacks. He couldn’t mess up this time… no he wouldn’t…

“Hajime!” Splinter ordered. 

Swinging his kusarigama chain, Mikey attempted to swing Raph off his feet, only to receive a punch into his side. He grunted as Raph blocked his kicks and blows. Leo and Donnie were sparring against each other, twin katanas against a bo staff. 

Raph growled as Mikey began to taunt him. “Can’t catch me Raphie!” 

The hothead tried to send a punching blow to Mikey, as the orange banded turtle dodged it with a flip. “Haha! You missed!” That’s when Raph managed to grasp his hand as Mikey’s eyes widened. The older turtle flipped Mikey over, slamming the turtle onto the floor before he could even react. 

“Agh!” Mikey groaned, feeling the twinge of pain in his wrist as his bone made a little snap. Raph released him, smiling victoriously as Donnie and Leo had finished sparring with Leonardo the winner.

Mikey twisted his wrist, flexing it as he could feel pain. He probably just sprained his wrist and it would have a nasty bruise later. As much as the youngest turtle hated pain, he felt himself staring at his wrist. The pain… it hurt… but he couldn’t get his mind off it. 

“Sparring session is over, time for meditation,” Splinter instructed. Mikey followed his bros suit as the four of them sat onto the floor, folding their legs as they each closed their eyes. Mikey let himself breath in deeply as he tried to meditate, finding himself falling into a dark void. 

Where was he? What was this place? 

He felt cold and empty inside, and he didn’t understand why. That’s when Mikey found himself staring at his own reflection. He reached out to touch the mirror as it suddenly shattered. Yelping in surprise, Mikey stepped back utterly perplexed. That’s when he saw it… a glowing orange heart that was pulsating in the darkness. 

What was that? Mikey tenderly tried to touch the heart, only to be jostled back to reality of someone calling his name. 

“Mikey!”

“Huh?” His eyes snapped open, heart pounding his plastron as he gazed seeing his bros giving him skeptical looks. 

“Master Splinter said meditation session is over,” Leo repeated for what Mikey knew to be perhaps more than the first time. 

“Oh… right, sorry,” Mikey rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “I zoned out,” he chuckled. Raph and Donnie rolled their eyes.

“My sons, you are dismissed.”

“Hai Sensei,” they all replied. Mikey followed his bros out from the dojo as he noticed Leo glancing back at him. Why was he looking at him? He wasn’t even doing anything.

“Uh, Leo, we have a problem,” Donnie pressed a button on the remote as the TV turned on. The news immediately came up as it displayed some story about the Purple Dragons breaking into a store. 

“Looks like we have a mission to do, ninjas,” Leo said, taking a step forward as Raph and Donnie nodded. With that, the three of them left the lair, hopping over the turnstiles.   
Now Mikey was alone as the main area was silent. He couldn’t describe the feeling he felt, when he watched them leave to go on a mission… without him… of course since he wasn’t a part of the team anymore. 

Mikey sighed deeply, feeling a strange cold tug at his heart. It felt like his heart was aching as he clutched onto the top of his plastron. He didn’t feel happy but rather empty, like this feeling of emptiness was creeping inside him. 

The turtle left the main room, deciding to shut himself in his own bedroom. He didn’t feel like interacting with anyone, nor his brothers when they would return back from their mission.   
Staring up at his ceiling, Mikey could feel the tears stinging against his cheeks as he could feel that cold tug inside his chest. He turned onto his side feeling his heart aching as he let out a whine. Why was he feeling this pain? And why couldn’t he stop crying?


	4. Delightful Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains self harm! So read at your own risk!

Mikey didn’t know how long he had been in his room, but it felt like an entire day. When he heard the sound of laughter, he slowly opened his door ajar to gaze into the main room seeing his bros jumping over the turnstiles, as they returned from their mission. 

“Did you see the way I socked that Purple Dragon in the face?” Raph flexed his biceps. Leo and Donnie chuckled, laughing. 

“That honestly was the best mission ever,” Donnie mused. 

“At least Mikey wasn’t there to hold us back,” Raph added, “so glad that I didn’t have to deal with his stupidity, and that he wasn’t with us.”

Leo nodded his head, “yeah, you’re right Raph. It was nice to have a mission without any distractions.”

“I agree,” Donnie complied as well. 

“Well, I’m tired and heading to bed,” Raph yawned. The other two brothers nodded each of them returning to their rooms for the night. 

Mikey could feel his chest constrict once more as he closed his door. He felt like he was betrayed… his heart was torn in half. How was he supposed to feel knowing that he had just overheard his bros talking about how they were glad he wasn’t with them. 

He was just distraction to them… he was useless, stupid… a mess up… He turned around as tears leaked down his cheeks as he stared at himself in his little mirror. Dark bags were forming underneath his eyes as he breathed in deeply. 

How could he call them his brothers anymore? Not when they didn’t care about him….

They don’t care… Mikey sat onto his bed feeling thoughts swirling inside his head. He curled up on his bed trying to will all these awful thoughts away, but they kept swarming into his mind. All the times he messed up, all the times he was just a burden…

Mikey could feel his skin beginning to itch and he couldn’t figure out why. Yet, somehow his body managed to fall asleep.   
_______________________________________________  
THE NEXT MORNING:  
_______________________________________________

Mikey woke up, tossing in his bed as he glanced towards his clock. It read: 4:15 AM. He felt restless like he didn’t’ sleep well at all. Not only that, he didn’t feel like going back to sleep anyway. The freckled turtle stood up from his bed, putting on his belt and mask as he exited his room, making sure to be quiet. 

Treading into the kitchen Mikey opened up the freezer as Ice Cream Kitty meowed, opening her eyes as she purred when Mikey rubbed her chin. “Hey there, Ice Cream Kitty,” he petted her gently and licked off the ice cream from his fingers. “I’m just up early since I couldn’t really sleep…” 

Ice Cream Kitty tilted her head, meowing softly at him as she pawed at where his heart was inside his plastron. 

“What is it Kitty?” She meowed loudly, as if she was saddened and was warning him about something. “It’s okay, I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me Kitty,” Mikey faked a smiled, leaning forward to press a kiss on the top of his kitty’s head. “I’m going to go into the dojo and train for a while,” with that he closed the freezer door much to Ice Cream Kitty’s meow, a tone of protest.

He let out a sigh, walking towards the dojo finding it quiet and empty in this early morning. Sitting down Mikey began to meditate as he entered back into his mind. He found himself in that same place again, where he saw that pulsating orange heart that glowing in the darkness. 

Mikey stepped closer to it, noticing how it seemed dimmer this time and was only faintly glowing at this point. What did this mean? Why was it slowly fading? Reaching out to touch it, Mikey could feel a burning sensation underneath his hand. As if on cue, a grayness began to ooze over the heart. 

Taking a startled step back, Mikey watched as the heart flickered. He didn’t understand what was going on here. Why was this glowing heart slowly fading every time he saw it? That’s when Mikey decided to pull himself out from his meditation. He opened his eyes, slowly standing up as he told himself that he needed to train, and so he did taking out his chucks to twirl them as he performed some moves. 

The moment he heard several doors opening, was the time he chose to stop and to head into the kitchen. He knew his bros would think something was up if he was up so earlier, as it wasn’t like his character at all. That mostly Leo, the one who was always up before everyone in the mornings. 

Entering the kitchen, the youngest wasted no time in getting breakfast started. He used a knife to cut up some porridge. His bros had entered the kitchen, greeting him as he waved his hand still cutting up the fruit. 

Donnie hummed, walking over to nab his coffee while Raph and Leo each grabbed a piece of toast to plop onto their plates. Mikey began to chop the fruit at a fast pace, that he didn’t realize that he needed to more careful. Yelping as pain bloomed into his finger, Mikey pulled his hand back to see a cut on his finger that began to bleed. 

“You okay?” Leo questioned, gazing intently at Mikey. Raph and Donnie both lifted their heads to gaze at the orange-masked turtle. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Mikey replied quickly, making sure to keep another finger over his injured one. For some odd reason the pain was tingling, and he felt his itching feeling that he couldn’t describe… this pain why did it feel good?

Mikey set the fruit pieces into the bowls of porridge as he excused himself from the kitchen saying that he needed to go to the bathroom. 

Staring at himself at the mirror for a couple seconds, Mikey gazed down at the cut on his finger. Yes, it hurt indeed, but why did it feel good? He could feel his skin itching as if it wanted more somehow. He wrapped one of his strips on his wrist around the cut to hide it as he exited the bathroom just as his brothers finished their morning meal. 

“You going to eat something Mikey?”

“Nah, I’m good I already ate something earlier,” Mikey replied, heading straight towards the dojo. The three brothers glanced at each other with a look of confusion and worry. Raph shrugged his shoulders as to other two didn’t say anything else, following Mikey into the dojo for the training session. 

This time, Master Splinter had all of them face off against each other. And to say that it was intense was an understatement. Mikey happened to be behind Donnie as Leo swung his katana blades. Of course, Raph and Donnie dodged the blades, however, since Mikey was behind the olive-green turtle he didn’t see Leo’s oncoming attack as he yelped feeling the edge of a blade slice against his skin. 

“Ah!” Everyone froze all at once as Mikey held his left arm tightly. Sure enough, there was a bloody cut that trailed over his arm. 

“Hajime!” Splinter quickly ordered as Leo let his katanas clang onto the flood as Raph shoved his sais into his belt. Donnie rushed over to the young turtle’s side, “he’s bleeding!”

“Oh my gosh! Mikey!” Leo grasped onto his right shoulder. “I’m so sorry!”

“It’s fine, Leo, no biggie,” Mikey smiled, a fake one that he was now used to wearing since the past few days. 

“Come on, let’s get that treated and wrapped up,” Donnie suggested, pulling the freckled turtle towards the lab. Mikey didn’t resist as his all of his brothers watched as Donnie tended to his wound, rubbing with antiseptic, cleaning up all the blood and finally wrapping it up. “There, that should do it.” Mikey kept staring at the bandage that was around his arm. That cut, he felt intrigued by it. “Mikey?” He felt Donnie’s hand on his shoulder as he lifted his gaze to see his bros looking at him suspiciously.

“Oh, sorry, D. I just zoned out for a second.” 

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Leo squinted his eyes. “You have bags under your eyes.”

That’s when Donnie turned, suddenly alert as he studied Mikey’s face. “You sure you ate breakfast today too?” The genius asked, noticing how Mikey’s body seemed to be a bit thinner than usual. 

“Yes, I already told you,” Mikey stood up, feeling a bit of anger bubbling in his gut. Why couldn’t they just accept that? He knew that it wasn’t right to lie, but what did it matter anymore? They didn’t even care about him, he was useless so why should they? “I ate earlier since I woke up earlier, and if you don’t mind I want to go watch from Crognard,” he said, turning away to leave the lab as he closed the giant doors. 

“Hmmm,” Donnie mused. “Is it just me or is Mikey acting a bit strange?”

“You’re right Donnie,” Leo let out a sigh, gazing where he had last seen Mikey. “Maybe we should keep an eye on him?” 

Mikey left the lab, cradling his one hand as he made his way into his bedroom. Maybe he could watch Crognard inside his own room, locked away from his brothers so he didn’t have to interact with them. And the turtle did so, but he still felt that tingling sensation on his skin that seemed to crawl all over him. 

“Hmm,” Mikey mused, ripping off the bandage from his arm as he scrutinized the deep cut, including the one he accidentally inflicted on his finger. Was it strange to be mesmerized by a cut, including an injury? And for some odd reason Mikey felt the urge to make it bleed it again, he wanted to watch the blood trickle like he had seen in the kitchen. 

He didn’t know what was going on, but he couldn’t stop it. His mind was so foggy that his hand moved without thinking as if he wasn’t even in control of himself anymore. He activated the blade from his nun-chuck. Mikey winced as he pressed the sharp tip against his wrist as he moved it in one fluid moment. He yelped at the stinging pain trying not to cry out as another bleeding cut opened up, blood trailing over his skin. 

His legs, hands and his entire body was shaking but there was only one thing he felt…. pleasure….like his mind was finally eased. That cut, it felt good and Mikey leaned back watching as a drop of blood fell from the blade and onto his open palm. 

Maybe this was the way he could make himself feel better, no thoughts of his bros plaquing his mind. Perhaps this was the only shelter that he had to get away from all this pain.


	5. White Froth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Warnings: Chapter contains self-harm, and suicide attempt of drug overdose. Read at your own risk!

The first thing Mikey awoke to was the feeling of pain. His body was shaking, he was shivering intensely as his stomach squeezed tightly. Bringing up a hand to his mouth, he found that the skin on his beak was cracking. He was starving, but he didn't feel like eating anything whatsoever and even if he did it wouldn't be much. It was strange, he always loved to eat, yet he felt like he didn't even have an appetite anymore. 

Turning to gaze at his alarm clock, that's when Mikey realized that he had slept in. 

"Oh no..." he gasped, shooting upright only to feel his vision blur a bit, a wave of dizziness rolling over him. 

What was wrong with him? And a glance down answered his question. The cuts on his wrist were now dried up, but blood had stained his bed sheets. Oh right... he had cut himself last night and perhaps he collapsed after that, completely drained. 

As weak as he was, he still didn't feel like eating nor getting out of bed. Why was it so hard to just get out of his own bed? He didn't want to do anything but to lie there and dissolve into his own thoughts. 

"Mikey!" He could hear pounding onto his door. He groaned, throwing the pillow over his head. 

"Go away..." he hissed, hoping that his bros would leave him alone.

"You know you need to get up, you've skipped training and Master Splinter isn't pleased." Mikey huffed, realizing that it was Leo who was talking to him. 

"And we're worried about you," Donnie's voice could now be heard. "You haven't eaten anything for breakfast this morning."

"Come on, Knucklehead," Raph rapped his hand against the door. "Why don't you come out here and show your face for once?"

"Raph," Leo and Donnie both scolded. Mikey let out a sigh, he reached over to grasp his wrist wrappings as he wrapped up the cut into hiding it. He couldn't let his bros know what he had just done... he couldn't.... they would only humiliate him even more. 

Mikey slowly stood, as he finally unlocked his door and exited his room. His three brothers regarded him for a moment as he trailed his way into the kitchen. Donnie gave Leo and Raph both a concerning look.

"Guys... something is definitely not right here."

"What is it Brainiac? We already know since that Knucklehead stayed in his room so late," Raph retorted. "He didn't even cook us breakfast."

"He really needs to stop slacking off," Leo added.

Mikey grasped a bowl of fruit, having heard his brothers from the other room as he stared down at his bowl. At this point he would be crying, but he feel too tired to even shed any tears. He was tired... he was tired of everything... of being treated like he nothing but on the sidelines... and just hearing Leo say that he was slacking off. The orange banded turtle didn't know what to feel anymore, he felt anger and pain.

"Mikey?" He gazed up, not having noticed that Donnie had entered the kitchen. Raph headed straight towards the dojo along with Leo as they waited for the youngest to join them for training. 

"Hey D," Mikey faked a smiled, plopping several of the fruit into his mouth. He could feel his stomach rejecting the food, but tried to keep it cool as he swallowed them down. 

"Are you sure you're all right?" The nerd walked up towards him, scrutinizing him as if he was trying to see what Mikey was hiding. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," Mikey could feel a bit offended by the way Donnie was looking at him. He wasn't weak, and he was fine.

"You do look a little pale, Mikey," Donnie added, squinting his eyes a bit. "Are you sure you're feeling all right?" 

"I already told you, I'm fine D, just drop it," Mikey snapped, having finished his bowl as he set it down. He turned to leave the kitchen as the olive-green turtle followed him to the dojo.  
Needless to say, Mikey's strange behavior only raised Donnie's suspicions even further. The way he was looking drained, pale and snapped irritably at him, something indeed had to be up with Mikey. 

But the purple banded turtle didn't say anything as they were all instructed to begin their training. Yet of course, Mikey had to receive some lecturing about being late for training.  
"Hai, Sensei," Mikey nodded his head. With that he began to practice with his fighting stance and forms. Throughout the entire training Mikey could feel his legs wobble as he started to feel weak. 

"You all right, Michelangelo?" He could hear his Sensei ask.

"Yeah! I'm fine!" He straightened himself, trying to act cool. "Just stretching and being lazy."

Splinter regarded him for a moment, but Mikey gave him that look that he didn't want to talk about it. The stern rat nodded his head, letting out a sigh as he decided to talk off training for the day. 

He didn't understand, why was he feeling like this? He was totally fine, and he wouldn't have it. He couldn't be a liability, not even here at training. Yet, the youngest was glad once was training over as his bros decided to head out. Of course, he remained behind declining their offer to go skateboarding topside. 

"Wait, hold up," Leo turned around to face Mikey, giving him a solemn look. "You're not coming with us up topside to go skateboarding?"

"No," Mikey shook his head. "Don't feel like it, and besides I need to train more if I really want to become better."

Raph shrugged his shoulders, as Leo let out a sigh. Donnie spared a quick glance at the lime-green turtle. "Don't overwork yourself, Mikey."

"I won't dude," Mikey held up his thumbs, reassuring his brothers. The three of them nodded their heads before heading out as they disappeared out into the distance.  
Mikey turned to face Raph's punching bag as he tried to recollect his thoughts. He needed to be better...

And all these old memories came flashing back into his mind during that very moment. He was nothing but a liability.... And all those words his bros told him.  
Although he didn't know how long he had been standing there punching the punching bag, but it must've been several hours. And that's when his body had finally snapped, he socked the bag so hard that it broke off, crashing against the wall as Mikey made a beeline towards the bathroom. 

His stomach was churning, and he felt horrible since he actually tried to eat a little bit today. And he didn't know what happened, everything was a total haze. He stumbled into the bathroom, collapsed against the toilet as he leaned over and retched, throwing up everything that he had eaten for breakfast. 

Clenching a hand against the stomach of his plastron, he gagged heavily. He needed to get it all out... he could bare this anymore... And that's when he stuck two fingers into the back of his throat, causing his gag reflexes to activate in throwing up the rest of his breakfast. By the time he was done, he flushed the toilet and wiped off his mouth. He let himself collapse against the side of the wall, as he began to quiver violently. 

Leaning his head down into his knees, Mikey began to choke, both hands clutching onto each side of his head. He couldn't understand what was even happening to him. He didn't feel fine... he didn't feel okay... he didn't want to do anything but to sit here and do nothing...

And that's when he mustered up the courage to stand up, hands clenching onto the bathroom counter as he stared at himself in the mirror. It was like he couldn't even recognize himself anymore, those dark circles underneath his eyes.... his pale skin, and cracked lips. It was like that goofball of a sunshine was now dead.... replaced by nothingness, and someone who was worthless...

Tingles began to spread across his skin, almost itching as Mikey could feel the urge to rake something sharp against his skin. After all, he deserved it didn't he? But somehow, at the same time he wanted all this to end... he wanted to stop feeling this pain and emptiness inside. 

As if on cue, that's when a sudden thought occurred to him. If he was nothing but a liability to his brothers, the team and his family... what was the point of even being here anymore? They didn't care about him and honestly, if he was dead he was positive that they wouldn't even care if he was gone for real...

That's when the orange banded turtle turned, heading straight towards Donnie's lab. At least his bros weren't back yet, as it was late at night. He didn't want them to see what he was about to do. As much as he wanted to slit his throat until it was all over, perhaps there was a better way to end this pain without even inflicting pain upon himself.  
Stumbling through Donnie's cabinets, Mikey found all these vials of bottles, countless medicines of painkillers, and other drug prescriptions. He didn't know what he was thinking, but he just couldn't help it anymore, and couldn't stop his actions.

Taking a full glass of water that sat on Donnie's desk, Mikey downed all the pills into his mouth. He didn't count how many pills he had swallowed, but from the looks of it the open bottles were scattered about onto the floor. 

Mikey could feel his vision blurring, a blackness that covered his eyes as his head began to pound, along with his heart rate that began to rapidly quicken by the minute. And that's when the entire world went completely black as his body collapsed against the floor, with white froth bubbling out from his mouth.

As if on cue, that’s when a sudden thought occurred to him. If he was nothing but a liability to his brothers, the team and his family… what was the point of even being here anymore? They didn’t care about him and honestly, if he was dead he was positive that they wouldn’t even care if he was gone for real…

That’s when the orange banded turtle turned, heading straight towards Donnie’s lab. At least his bros weren’t back yet, as it was late at night. He didn’t want them to see what he was about to do. As much as he wanted to slit his throat until it was all over, perhaps there was a better way to end this pain without even inflicting pain upon himself.  
Stumbling through Donnie’s cabinets, Mikey found all these vials of bottles, countless medicines of painkillers, and other drug prescriptions. He didn’t know what he was thinking, but he just couldn’t help it anymore, and couldn’t stop his actions.

Taking a full glass of water that sat on Donnie’s desk, Mikey downed all the pills into his mouth. He didn’t count how many pills he had swallowed, but from the looks of it the open bottles were scattered about onto the floor. 

Mikey could feel his vision blurring, a blackness that covered his eyes as his head began to pound, along with his heart rate that began to rapidly quicken by the minute. And that’s when the entire world went completely black as his body collapsed against the floor, with white froth bubbling out from his mouth.


	6. Never Ending Pain

Everything was dark, and Mikey didn't feel anything. He didn't know where he was, but he also felt cold like his entire body had been frozen. And suddenly, a bright light flashed before his very eyes.

Had he finally done it? Was he dead? Mikey couldn't help but, to reach towards the light. He didn't feel pain anymore... he didn't feel anything whatsoever and it was fabulous.  
Meanwhile in Donnie's Lab

"Work harder Brainiac!" Donnie could feel Raph shove roughly against his shoulder.

"I'M TRYING RAPH!" he snapped back, continuing to do chest compressions onto Mikey's lifeless body. Leo stood off to the side, rigid in shock. The leader couldn't do anything, other than to stare at Mikey's unresponsive body.

Master Splinter was also in the room with them, placing a worried hand onto Mikey's cold forehead.

Who knew that the moment the brothers had returned topside that their entire world would crash underneath them. The split moment they entered the lab, they had found Mikey laying on the floor rigid and pale. His body was thin, but that wasn't the thing that horrified them the most.

It was the fact that Mikey lay there, with shattered glass about him, not just any glass but broken vials and bottles, with pills scattered about. And Mikey's mouth hung open with his eyes rolled to the back of his head, with froth bubbling out from his throat.

And by the time Donnie had grasped him, he was met with cold skin and silence from his plastron. Chaos seemed to hurl all around them when Donnie had confirmed that Mikey wasn't breathing, nor was his heart beating.

Donnie moved in a frenzy to put Mikey onto the cot, as he tried to blot out all the screaming that erupted from Raph's mouth, following by a loud clashing noise as something smashed against the wall. That was what it took for Splinter to arrive into the scene, having heard such hysteria in the lab.

"This isn't working!" Donnie rasped, having tried chest compressions for fifteen minutes straight. Raph growled, reaching over to grasp onto Mikey as he shook him fervently.

"DON'T YOU DIE ON ME MIKEY!!!!! DON'T YOU DARE!" Hot tears streamed down the hothead's cheeks. Donnie had never seen such emotion written across Raph's face.

"Raph! Stop!" Donnie had to shove his grip off the orange masked turtle. He himself could feel tears swell up in his own eyes, but now wasn't the time. He wasn't going to let Mikey die! He wasn't going to lose his younger brother!

That's when the defibrillator caught the purple banded turtle's gaze as he yelled for Leo to hand him the device.

Leo blinked several times, before shaking his head as he managed to grasp the specific device that Donnie insisted. The leader for once felt weak, as he gazed at Mikey's deathly body.  
How could this happen?.... Why would Mikey do such a thing? That's when he realized those small subtle signs of Mikey's strange behavior, and he shrugged it off thinking that Mikey was fine and just being himself. But no... here he was seeing his own little brother die before his very eyes.

And he couldn't do it... Leo began to choke, grasping onto the side of the cot as he collapsed against it. His legs were shaking violently as his head was spinning. No... he needed to be strong... he was the one that was supposed to be strong for all of his brothers... but he couldn't... not when Mikey's life was on the line.

As for Raphael, the red masked turtle clenched his fist tightly to the point it turned white. He wouldn't have this happening... Mikey wasn't dying... he was not supposed to die. As much as his little brother got on his nerves, the thought of him being dead wrecked his heart into a million pieces.

Who would be here to tease him? Who would smile that bright smile and tell him that everything was going to be okay? Mikey was his precious little brother like a little ball of sunshine. Without him... their light would be gone forever.

Master Splinter, Raph and Leo took a step back, watching in shock as Donnie used the defibrillator to shock Mikey's body. The two pads were placed onto his plastron, shocking him vehemently as his body convulsed onto the cot.

"My son, please come back to us," Master Splinter whispered.

The heart monitor continued to make that horrible beeeeeeeeeeeeeping noise, the sound of the heart flatlining. Raph wanted it to stop, he just wanted to hear some heart beating in the background. If only... they could save him in time.

"Come on, Mikey!" Donnie gritted his teeth, shocking him one more time. He was already sweating from the heavy toll of stress and grief that hung over him. "We can't lose you!"  
With one final hard push, the olive-green turtle shoved the shocking pads onto Mikey's plastron as his chest rose violently with a loud beating sound that resonated through the room.  
Donnie turned his head, noticing the heart rate monitor began to rise with the sound of Mikey's heart that began to beat loudly.  
"He's alive!...." That simple sentence left the Brainiac in tears, as he couldn't stop the sob that erupted from his lips. Raph and Leo all rushed towards the cot, tears leaking down their cheeks.  
"He's okay!"

Donnie took in a deep breath, turning around as he rummaged around to find some medication to insert an IV into Mikey's arm. They at least stabilized him for the moment, but he still needed to get all the drugs drained from his body.

The three brothers remained by Mikey's side, watching him. It was such a relief to see the color returning to his skin, and seeing his chest rise with every breathe. He was alive and that was all that mattered.

"My sons," Master Splinter turned, noticing the distress that was written across the others' faces. "I understand that Michelangelo has taken a toll on us, but you all must rest."

"But... if we relax, I don't think it's a good idea to leave him out of our sight," Donnie suggested, "If he just tried to kill himself with drug overdoses, and-" Donnie brushed Mikey's wrist wrappings off to reveal cuts along his wrists. The purple banded turtle's suspicions were confirmed even further. Leo and Raph gasped, staring in shock and disbelief. Donnie gently started to get some gauze roll bandages and alcohol wipes to clean the cuts. 

"He cut himself?..." Leo muttered.

"And who knows what he'll try to do when we aren't watching him," Donnie finished, having completely wrapped up Mikey's wrists. 

"Who said that any of us had to leave this room?" Master Splinter raised an eyebrow. "But you all look drained, rest my sons," he patted each of the three turtle's shoulders.

"Hai, Sensei," they said in unison.

"I will meditate to try to enter his mind so that I can try to calm his troubled soul. For now, take rest."

The three of them each nodded their heads, taking a chair to sit in as they leaned against the side of the cot closing their eyes. Master Splinter watched, waiting until they fell asleep before getting into a meditative pose. He closed his eyes, allowing himself to try to seek out Mikey's mind.

MEANWHILE IN MIKEY'S MIND:

The moment Mikey tried to grasp that dazzling light, it disappeared in a flash. All the sudden it was like something had knocked him back, and pain came at him at full force. His heart was pounding loudly, the sound rattling into his ears. He could feel himself breathing heavily and pain droning through his body, even when all he could see was darkness.  
Perhaps he was still unconscious, but he didn't understand... wasn't he dead? But if he could feel pain then that meant that he was alive... somehow...  
NO! Mikey screamed, slamming his hands down onto the black ground that he couldn't see. He didn't want to feel pain... he didn't want to feel alive... he wanted it all to end... he didn't want to feel this pain anymore...

"Michelangelo?"

Mikey jerked, turning around as Master Splinter appeared before him. No... this couldn't be happening... Why was Sensei here?  
And that's when Mikey realized where they were, in that same exact place where he had seen that glowing orange orb. Only this time, the orb was completely diminished and wasn't glowing anymore.

"My son," Splinter turned his attention towards the blackened orb. "I sense that your spirit and mind is not well." Mikey stayed silent, not knowing how to respond to that. "Do you know what that is?" Splinter gestured towards the orb.

"I don't know..." Mikey croaked, his voice coarse and dry. "I've been seeing it several times..."

"That my son, is your soul essence," Splinter replied. "It glows brightly when it's spiritually strong. Yet, I sense, however, that your spirit has dwindled along with your mind. I am afraid that you've taken the dark path. My son.... you know you can tell me everything, let us help you, Michelangelo."

Mikey could feel himself tearing up as he gazed at Master Splinter. He shrugged his shoulders as he choked, taking a step back. "I don't need help.... I know how to fix this... don't worry Sensei it'll be over soon.."

"Michelangelo!"

And that's when Mikey's body began to awaken as he left his mind.

BACK IN THE REAL WORLD:

Mikey jerked awake, gasping for breath as his eyes lids fluttered open. He caught a glimpse of his surroundings to find himself in the lab upon a cot. Beside him his bros were all asleep in their chairs and an IV was in the crook of his arm. 

So that explains why he was still alive, his bros must've found him before he was fully dead. And just being a awake made him feel like a failure. Why would they save a failure? Perhaps so they could torture him even more?

But he was done with it all, he was tired of fighting. All he wanted was to not exist, for everything would be better. With that Mikey ripped out the IV from his arm as he climbed off his bed, careful not to disturb his bros. The moment he managed to open the lab door Master Splinter had awakened.

"Michelangelo!" And that's what did it to disturb his bros sleep, all three heads lifting up as Mikey made a beeline out from the lab.

"Mikey!" He could hear scrambling in the lab as the turtle raced over towards the nearest exit of the lair, leaping over the turnstiles. Sure, his body felt tired and weak, but he wasn't going to stop anytime soon. 

His heart was pounding as Mikey ran, dashing blindly through the sewers. He needed to get out of here and far away from his bros and Sensei. That was the only thing that was on his mind.  
The orange masked turtle made his way up to the world above, and out the sewers. He didn't know what, but the tallest skyscraper attracted his attention. 

Perhaps this could be it, this could be the chance to finally end it all. Mikey climbed up the fire escape scrambling up until he made it to the rooftop of the tall building.   
Several steps took him to the edge of the building as he leaned over the ledge. Thoughts kept swirling into his mind, he didn't know what to think anymore.

What was he honestly? He was nothing... he couldn't even recognize himself... he wasn't even happy... and he didn't want to be here... it was too painful.   
All he had to do was to take one single step, and to jump. 

Mikey sighed, ""I just wanna stop the scars that grow. Every time that I go home," baby blue eyes gazed over the ledge. He lifted one foot, only to hear voices screaming his name.

"MIKEY!" 

And with that he jumped.


	7. Healing

The feeling of air slapping against his skin, was the most plausible sensory to the orange masked turtle. Soon he could be met with the ground with a giant thud, followed by a crushing impact that would end everything. 

Yet, however, Mikey felt his body being jerked as the air was knocked out from his lungs. He coughed, daring to open his eyes to find that somehow he didn’t hit the ground, but was dangling midair. 

How???? How was this even possible?

Twisting his head around to see a hand grasping onto his belt with a vice-like grip, Mikey couldn’t help but to sigh. Why did he always have to fail? And why did his brothers have to save him once again? Especially since he didn’t want to saved!

“L-let me g-go…” he croaked, feeling tears weld up in his eyes as he felt himself being lifted up, with two other pairs of hands reaching out to grasp him. As much as he tried to thrash against him, he soon was embraced tightly and completely surrounded so he couldn’t escape. “I didn’t want to be saved…” Mikey’s voice cracked, tears spilling from his eyes.

“Mikey, we love you,” Leo spoke softly and that’s when the youngest noticed how distraught his brothers looked. Tears were overflowing and streaking down their cheeks, as they sobbed clutching him tightly in the middle of the group hug. And behind them Master Splinter was also seen, tears too being evident as he joined in the embrace. 

And that simple phrase of ‘we love you,’ left the orange masked turtle sobbing as he clutched tightly onto himself. He wanted to rake his fingers into his dig, but found that he couldn’t do so when Donnie was holding his hands. Those chocolate irises gazed at him with such worry, that Mikey knew that Donnie read his thoughts like a book. His brothers weren’t going to let him go anywhere… much less even hurt himself. 

“Why, Mikey?” Raph spoke, clinging onto him.

Mikey sighed, gazing down as he could feel his heart clench painfully. “I just want the pain to end…” 

“We don’t ever want to lose you, Mikey,” Donnie added, rubbing the back of his shell. “You are our sunshine and we love you.” Mikey wanted to believe it, but these thoughts just wouldn’t disperse. He didn’t know how long he had been there out on the rooftop crying out his heart. But, eventually he was taken back home and back into Donnie’s lab. 

“We can help you Mikey, you have to trust us. You need to tell us everything that is on your mind.”

And Mikey did so, having taken a seat in one chair in Donnie’s lab. He told them everything… every dark thought that he had to the deepest feelings of his soul and heart. The moment when he was kicked off the team, and how he couldn’t recognize himself anymore. He felt worthless, and that everything would be better if he was gone. And this time, Mikey could feel his brothers hugging him all at once again. He didn’t mind, as it made a sense of warmth soothe him momentarily. 

“You are not worthless, Mikey and you never have and never will be,” he felt Leo lift up his chin, considering that he couldn’t look anywhere else but at the floor. “You are our brother, and you are precious to us. We’re very sorry for our words and actions towards you, for we never meant to hurt you. But you most realize that you are loved.”

At that moment the dam broke once again. As tired as Mikey was of crying, he couldn’t hold it back as he choked, tears cascading down his cheeks. They really did love him, and cared about him… despite how it felt like they didn’t… but in that moment, Mikey felt one impression: He needed to stay, for his brothers and it wasn’t his time to go. Donnie suggested that night that Mikey go to bed early, since overdosing on pills did quite a number on him. The orange masked turtle didn’t resist, knowing fully well that he would never left alone at this point.

He did feel like a failure for not being able to actually kill himself, but perhaps maybe he could survive living through the pain with the help from his family. Mikey leaned back, allowing himself to close his eyes as Donnie inserted another IV to his arm. He flinched, grimacing a bit until he began dozy and drifted off into sleep. 

“He truly is our precious little Ototo,” Leo commented, smiling. Raph nodded his head, placing his hand onto Mikey’s shoulder. 

“And from now on, we will be with him every step of the way,” Donnie added. Master Splinter smiled, watching the sweet scene of all the brothers sleeping beside Mikey’s cot. They weren’t going to leave his side anytime soon.

The mutant rat walked to the open doorway, closing it gently as he sat down in front of it. Just in case Mikey tried to escape he at least would be able to prevent him from doing so. With that, Master Splinter began to meditate as he tried to seek out Mikey’s aura. 

INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE MIND:

Mikey gazed through the endless void of darkness. It was still dark as ever, although he could see a faint orange light flickering in the darkness. He trudged towards it, finding that same orb shaped like a heart that was blackened. Only this time, he could see a faint orange hue radiating from it.

Was this it? Could he actually rid himself of this darkness that plagued his mind and heart?

“Michelangelo,” he turned, hearing his Sensei’s call. With one nod, he decided to let him in. And that familiar rat mutant appeared beside him. His first reaction was to pull him into a tight hug. 

“My son, I love you.” Mikey found himself burying his head into his shoulder. Even though this wasn’t in the real world, it still felt real. And Master Splinter’s presence was indeed real. While his body was resting, at least Sensei could reach out to his soul.

“Is it really possible Sensei?” Mikey asked the question that had been on his mind all day. Master Splinter pulled back, gazing at the faintly glowing heart orb. 

“Indeed Michelangelo,” he replied, reaching out to gently touch the orb as it warmed slightly to the touch. Mikey himself could feel a little spark flickering inside. “The light will come back, giving back everything, the darkness stole.” Mikey nodded his head, a hopeful expression appearing on his face. Maybe he could actually be healed, and would find the right way to deal with this pain. 

“Mikey!” His head jerked, turning around to find all three of his brothers rushing over towards him.

“What? How??? But I thought you dudes were asleep!” Mikey gasped, feeling himself being tackled into a hug. Master Splinter chuckled, stepping back as he gazed at the orb that began to glow little more. Even if it wasn’t much, it at least was a huge first step. 

“We are,” Donnie tried to explain, “but we all sensed your energy even if it was faint and decided to come here. While your body is resting, I realized that it’s important for your mind to rest too.”

“Donnie is right,” Leo nodded, smiling. Mikey blinked several times, confused at first until Raph reached out to touch his forehead with is palm. 

“You’re our Knucklehead,” Raph grinned widely. Those words… Mikey found that they didn’t hurt, but rather it left a twinkling feeling that resonated around him. 

“What’s going on? I don’t understand,” Mikey questioned, “why are you all here in my own mind? It’s too dark…”

“Like that will stop us,” Leo gazed at both Donnie and Raph. “And besides, we promised you that we will always be by your side from now on and forever. You are our Ototo after all.”  
Mikey himself could feel himself tear up at that sentence, although it wasn’t exactly physical. His brothers stepped closer as Leo suggested that perhaps they could share some of their fondest memories with him.

Raph and Donnie nodded their heads, following Leo to the heart orb as they touched it one by one, sending their energy into it to help strengthen the faint light.  
Mikey gasped at the light that entered, feeling it burn a little more brightly as memories flashed before his mind. Memories of himself with each of his brothers, either helping him or protecting him from his nightmares when they were young. And even phrases of: “I love you, Mikey.”

“Perhaps this will soothe your soul and mind as well,” Donnie finished as Mikey felt the darkness briefly being pushed back, replaced with fond and precious memories of the love that the brothers shared with him, including with Master Splinter. And for once that night, Mikey found himself falling into a deep and peaceful sleep, without a single care in the world. 

IN THE REAL WORLD: TWO MONTHS LATER:

Ever since that one particular day, Mikey had felt so refreshed. Of course, the darkness always came back plaguing his mind, but the turtle had learned that he needed to tell his brothers whatever dark thought had came to his mind, including urges. That meant even the cutting and the urge to hurt himself, for it wasn’t easy. It got to the point that Mikey had to wear long sleeve bands that covered the entire length of his arm to the tip of his fingers. It did help, at least to keep him from picking at the scabs of the cuts on his wrists. And with the eating problem, he slowly started to eat small amounts at first just as Donnie had suggested. 

He wouldn’t say that his depression had gone away, but he at least was making progress. Donnie told him that it would take time for him to fully heal anyway, however long that may be.  
And Leo decided to help Mikey to train to become even better, to the point that he was welcomed back onto the team again. And needless to say, Mikey never felt such joy to hear those words. He was still healing, but the support from his bros was always there. And he did find it odd that Raph even somehow managed to stop teasing him, at least in a bad way. The only teasing he would ever do, was gently teasing like giving him a soft noogie or tickling him. 

Raphael even completely stopped calling him a ‘Bonehead,’ considering the hothead knew how fragile Mikey’s state of mind was. And his bros were always careful and watchful of Mikey, for he was grateful that they at least were trying to make it up to him. 

Those pains that Mikey felt, they were beginning to slowly fade or lessen in intensity. And every week, Mikey had to go into the lab to get therapy sessions from Donnie of course, including from April’s dad considering he was a scientist who also studied in Psychology of the brain. April’s dad would perform certain psychological experiments to find environments that allured and soothed Mikey’s mind. 

It was strange having a lamp in his room that would glow with bright orange light in the dark, but the psychological effect of the color helped to soothe Mikey so he could sleep better through the night. April of course, would always come over to visit along with Casey. The two of them always brought pizza for Mikey to which the youngest was starting to love again. He felt like his old self was beginning to return and it felt wonderful. And as much as Mikey hated having to swallow antidepressant pills every morning and night, he was still faring well. He could feel his progress growing inside his own heart and mind. Several times he would meditate with Master Splinter into the depths of mind, seeking out his aura to find it glowing brighter every day. Master Splinter was also there, to listen to anything that was on Mikey’s mind. 

The turtle was grateful for how supportive everyone was. And for once, he was glad that his brothers saved him, for he now wanted to live.  
Mikey smiled, dangling his legs over the dock as his bros sat beside him. They decided to go out topside for the evening as the sun began to set across the harbor. Brilliant rays of orange and pink danced across the water’s surface and into the sky. 

The orange masked turtle couldn’t help but to lean into the body that was closest to him, and that happened to be Raph. He leaned the side of his cheek against his shoulder as Raph wrapped an arm around him, followed by Donnie and Leo who placed his hand onto his right shoulder, sitting behind the youngest turtle. 

“We love you Mikey,” they said in unison, huddling close together. 

“I love you too, dudes,” Mikey smiled, his eyes twinkling with that little sparkle as he gazed at all of his brothers. They smiled, hugging each other before gazing out towards the sunset. He was happy to have such wonderful brothers, ones who would never leave his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And tada! That was the last chapter, and I hope you enjoyed reading this story! Let me know what you thought of this, I would love to hear your comments and feedback. 
> 
> Don't forget my fellow readers: STAY RAD! Booyakasha!


End file.
